Big Green Guy

When you grow up like I did and then join the army and sign up for a hard-charging unit, you don’t realize that you can be unintentionally intimidating to people. I try to tone this down — I really do, as it’s not healthy nor productive — but I think it’s mostly surprising to folks how quickly I can go from mild and meek to throat-slittin’ beast mode.

BTW, I never do this with anyone close to me, or that I care about. I’d never treat anyone I love like that. It’s mainly when someone in public sets me off with wildly rude or abusive behavior, or someone harasses a woman, etc. in front of me. And I really do try to restrain this tendency, but old habits, old reactions, old behaviors die hard, and they do (to use the favorite phrase of the SJWs) have triggers that just can’t be turned off at the flip of a switch. If it were that easy, I would be all fixed.

I think one of the reasons I’m so tightly controlled, why I never relax (nor want to) is that I need to keep that beast mode locked away for my own health and sanity and for staying out of the lockup. That kind of anger and that aggression kept me alive once, but now it’s a liability.

Those old ways are comfortable, though. I lived on rage and violence for years and years and in some ways, it’s what I know best. That reactivity and bellicosity will always feel like coming home, even if it’s a home you loathe with your whole heart.