All of this is so familiar.
Every time I won some kind of prize in English my parents would praise me and say I was good and should feel good. My teachers would hold me up as an example and say other kids should try to be more like me. Meanwhile, when I would bring home a report card with a C- in math, my parents would have concerned faces and tell me they were disappointed and I wasnโt living up to my potential and I needed to work harder et cetera.
And I donโt know which part bothered me more.
Every time I was held up as an example in English class, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I didnโt do it! I didnโt study at all, half the time I did the homework in the car on the way to school, those essays for the statewide competition were thrown together on a lark without a trace of real effort. To praise me for any of it seemed and still seems utterly unjust.
Exactly. I too won essay contests, aced AP tests and other feats in English and related fields โ and you know what? I never studied. Never. Not once. I did not study for a single minute in high school anything related to English or similar subjects, not for one second.
And I aced every fucking thing. In fifth grade I scored in the top 1/10th of one percent of reading comprehension, civics and science for high school seniors on a standardized test that I literally slept through part of, and to top it off I even read another book during the actual test. There was no possible way I could have put in less effort on that test other than not doing it all (which it was so easy for me that that would have actually been more effort since the teachers would’ve punished me somehow) and I still blew it away like a Minuteman missile impacting an unsuspecting village.
And I deserve about as much credit for being so unbelievably dominant in that domain as a cheetah does for running fast. Itโs just what we do, you know?
But math. Math I studied so I could actually get out of high school with a diploma (usually in English, study hall, or other classes โ I almost never studied out of school). Time spent agonizing over and studying math so Iโd actually graduate? I donโt know, 10,000 or 12,000 hours? Maybe more.
And I barely scraped by. In my final high school math class it literally came down to the final test. I had to score I think a 70 to pass the class with the minimum 65 and thus graduate. I got a 70 even โ honestly, too. That teacher didnโt (and wouldnโt have) given it to me, so I truly earned it.
I earned it by studying with a very math-conversant friend for three weeks straight. He was simply astounded by how someone as smart as I was supposed to be just couldnโt catch on.
The thing is, I am naturally good with languages. I can teach myself to read just about any language if I really want to in about two months.
But I canโt seem to learn to use a quadratic equation or do something more complicated than solve for x even if I very much want to and spend years doing it. It just doesnโt click, I donโt grok, no matter how hard I try.
Sorry, libs, sometimes there is such a thing as natural talent and some people have it while others donโt. For me, itโs in languages and systems and not in math. I am far more divergent than most, though โ in most people itโs more well-balanced.
But yep, natural talent. Itโs real and that can be sad. But that doesnโt make it pretend.