If Putin could somehow only nuke people who ride recumbent bicycles, that’d be alright. Launch the SS-27s and RS-26s! Get those big dogs in the air!
Trynabe Funny
Small Saddle
Hoping to revive mammoths, scientists create ‘woolly mice.’
What?!?!?!
I can’t ride a damn mouse! Come on, we need something rideable here.
Know Won Nose
why do native English speakers constantly mess up your/you’re and their/there/they’re?
Eye due knot no. Dew ewe?
Form
A friend of mine whom I had not seen in a while called me “Mr. Muscles” when she saw me again recently.
I had to regretfully inform her that my proper form of address is “Lord Muscles.” 😉
Poison Apple
What Happens When You Remove Someone From Apple Family Sharing?
A drone is immediately dispatched bearing a single M67 fragmentation grenade. The disfavored family member is then hunted relentlessly and eliminated by the drone.
If the first drone is unsuccessful, a second is dispatched free of charge. If that fails, a space laser strike is undertaken as a last resort. This will result in an additional $200 fee on your Apple account.
Be aware of what will occur when you shame a family member so.
Flip Trip
A Delta Air Lines jet flips upside down on a Toronto runway and all 80 aboard survive.
Hey, any landing you walk away from is a good one, right?
Just imagine, though, how the passengers felt when they found out they were in Canada.
Defen
The Russian government never lays off its staff.
As long as there are windows around, no layoffs are needed. Hey, it’s a system that works for them.
Solver
I name thee “Universal Computer Problem Solver.”
It resolves any computer headache instantly. Got an issue finding your Start menu that’s been in the same place for 30 years? Plug this handy-dandy device in and within fractions of a second it will no longer be your problem. Can’t recall the name of the application that you’ve used to do your daily work for 14 years? Slap this baby in and bam, it becomes a non-issue in a snap.
Yes indeed my friends, the UCPS can put the kibosh on all your computer annoyances instantly. Big or small, the UCPS solves ’em all!
And after you’re done fixing all your tech troubles, just leave the Solver plugged in and insert the USB connector into your mouth. It has a nice minty flavor that I’ll bet you just can’t wait to try.
No one has ever asked for a refund!
Noom
The Moon should be the 53rd state.
And it should of course be called “Moontana.”
Meth Duck
Why do so many meth addicts raise ducks indoors?
Can use the ducks for important meth quality testing. Afterwards, the ducks don’t send you a bill because they already have one.
Beefity
Restaurant worker chops meat on pavement outside of teriyaki restaurant in Kansas City.
It’s ok, he was just making some ground beef.
Sona
i broke up with my furry boyfriend cause he tried to force me into becoming a furry.
I’d be furrious. I’d be going totally animal. That just would not suit me at all.
Only the Finest
My teabags are made of only the finest lead, cadmium and depleted uranium. Got to avoid those microplastics.
(It’s not clear that microplastics are even harmful. Probably minimally if at all.)
Some Mond
California Man Fights Fire With Almond Milk.
This is the only use almond milk actually has. It is unfit for human consumption as it tastes like licking a dirty toilet bowl. Or at least how I imagine that would taste, that not being a hobby of mine.
Demonstration
All I’ve learned is that no matter how many times you attempt to summon a demon, it’s usually a dud reject demon who can only do stupid stuff like carve a pumpkin really fast or make a squirrel dance.
One time, one of the more powerful demons did kill someone who accidentally crossed the summoning barrier in a really hilarious manner (turned him into a fly and fly swatter and made him swat himself, sorry Dan’s wife!) but other than that, the whole demon summoning thing is a total bust.
I think that fly swatter gag demon might have been Alex Trebek, before. He made us phrase our pitiful begging to avoid eternal damnation in the form of a question.
Anyway, demon summoning: harsh truth is you should avoid.