If I had a robot girlfriend, I’d simply treat her with the respect and consideration any conscious being deserves.
Except when it comes time to assassinate my enemies. Then she better get her big girl robot pants on and attend to business.
Trynabe Funny
Not Very Content
Why do people give a content warning when food is not vegetarian?
I need a content warning when food is vegetarian. I ain’t want that shit.
Tatty Ratty
It’d almost be worth a depression if people couldn’t afford hideous tattoos anymore.
I kid, I kid….kind of?
Judge Bent
Do you judge people based on the car they drive?
No. But if they have a recumbent bicycle, I can guarantee they are slimy subhumans who subsist on a diet of donkey butts and octopus eyeballs. They abuse kittens and travel to faraway destinations for the explicit purpose of starving orphans.
They all somehow assassinated JFK and canceled Firefly. They are the ones who abscond with a single sock from the dryer, so you end up with no match.
The recumbent bicycle losers sneak in in the middle of the night and put mold on your bread and dust on your knickknacks.
There is no greater force of evil than recumbent bicycle riders. None.
Cat’s Meow
What Cat Name Should Northrop Grumman Give Its Fighter If It Wins The Navy’s F/A-XX Competition?
The F/A-XX Grumpy Cat.
It’s a winner.
Internal
After they hand-wash my car with a toothbrush, I point them at more advanced tasks like organizing the office supplies by color, size and country of origin. Then when that’s done, I make them put on a jester costume and cavort. If there is not enough cavorting, a taser can solve that most of the time.
Following their generous three minute lunch, I have them really dig into some work by doing some important gardening at my house. They must rent all the tools from me, of course. It’s only fair.
After that, I list them as dependents on my taxes and open some credit cards in their names.
And that’s a good start in the American economy for any intern.
Opt
11 relaxing ways to live like a White Lotus character in L.A. — sans the snakes and murder.
Well then no thank you. The snakes and murder are not optional.
Laydown Clown
If Putin could somehow only nuke people who ride recumbent bicycles, that’d be alright. Launch the SS-27s and RS-26s! Get those big dogs in the air!
Small Saddle
Hoping to revive mammoths, scientists create ‘woolly mice.’
What?!?!?!
I can’t ride a damn mouse! Come on, we need something rideable here.
Know Won Nose
why do native English speakers constantly mess up your/you’re and their/there/they’re?
Eye due knot no. Dew ewe?
Form
A friend of mine whom I had not seen in a while called me “Mr. Muscles” when she saw me again recently.
I had to regretfully inform her that my proper form of address is “Lord Muscles.” 😉
Poison Apple
What Happens When You Remove Someone From Apple Family Sharing?
A drone is immediately dispatched bearing a single M67 fragmentation grenade. The disfavored family member is then hunted relentlessly and eliminated by the drone.
If the first drone is unsuccessful, a second is dispatched free of charge. If that fails, a space laser strike is undertaken as a last resort. This will result in an additional $200 fee on your Apple account.
Be aware of what will occur when you shame a family member so.
Flip Trip
A Delta Air Lines jet flips upside down on a Toronto runway and all 80 aboard survive.
Hey, any landing you walk away from is a good one, right?
Just imagine, though, how the passengers felt when they found out they were in Canada.
Defen
The Russian government never lays off its staff.
As long as there are windows around, no layoffs are needed. Hey, it’s a system that works for them.
Solver
I name thee “Universal Computer Problem Solver.”
It resolves any computer headache instantly. Got an issue finding your Start menu that’s been in the same place for 30 years? Plug this handy-dandy device in and within fractions of a second it will no longer be your problem. Can’t recall the name of the application that you’ve used to do your daily work for 14 years? Slap this baby in and bam, it becomes a non-issue in a snap.
Yes indeed my friends, the UCPS can put the kibosh on all your computer annoyances instantly. Big or small, the UCPS solves ’em all!
And after you’re done fixing all your tech troubles, just leave the Solver plugged in and insert the USB connector into your mouth. It has a nice minty flavor that I’ll bet you just can’t wait to try.
No one has ever asked for a refund!