Wow, Planet Fitness sounds like a joke gym.

Then there’s the fact that certain bodybuilding exercises—like dead lifts and clean-and-jerks—are prohibited.

What kind of busted-ass gym doesn’t allow deadlifts? Ha. Is that some kind of joke? A deadlift is a foundational exercise. If you’re not deadlifting, you’re wasting a lot of time if you’re weightlifting.

The facility also comes equipped with a “lunk alarm”—a siren that is supposed to go off whenever someone grunts too loudly or drops a heavy weight on the floor. (The latter is a moot point at most Planet Fitness locations, where they don’t even have any large weights.) I’ve never set off the alarm, but on more than one occasion, in different locations around the country, I’ve been lectured by staffers for breathing too hard when lifting, and I’ve gotten dirty looks for excessive sweating in the weight room. Clearly it’s not my planet either.

What the hell? Who goes to this gym and why? I mean I don’t like gyms either, because I am not social and I like lifting what I want to lift when I want to lift it. But I was looking for gyms when we travel and this isn’t even on the possibilities list. I breathe like a camel climbing a mountain when I deadlift (not that it’s even allowed in joke gym.)

Although it seems paradoxical—like setting up an all-you-can-eat buffet with a “No Fatties Allowed” sign—there’s a lot of money in tailoring a fitness club to people who don’t actually want to work out.

It never would’ve occurred to me to start a gym for people who don’t want to work out but I do have to admit, that is brilliant. Simply genius. The signifier more important than the signified and all that.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here busting my ass, dropping weights on the floor, grunting and breathing hard. And oh yeah, actually getting strong. (I do miss the clean and jerk and the snatch, and I can’t really do those at home safely.)