One of the books I’m reading is Semiosis by Sue Burke. I like it pretty well. She has a decent grasp of systems and sociology, which goes a long way with me.

There’s a character in the book not much like me in most ways, but I still identify with him quite a bit. The reason is that not much in the human sphere comes naturally to him, but he still tries to be decent. This quote from him is also emblematic of how I often feel: “I’m not naturally kind. I’m intentionally kind. I have to figure out what to do, I don’t do it automatically.”

For that reason, like me, he’s often misread by people. I don’t know how to react normally to much. In many ways, my reactions are all an elaborate act. When I am alone, were you to film me, I would probably seem much like a robot. Recently, I don’t remember exactly what I was talking about, but it’s common so it could’ve been anything. Anyway, I was talking to my partner and I mentioned that one of the many reasons I liked being around her was that I didn’t have to pretend to be startled by or afraid of things to have some semblance of normal reactions to events. It’s a real relief.

It’s not that I don’t have any emotions, it’s just that they don’t impinge much on my consciousness. I think I was largely naturally this way to a great extent, but that being bullied and beat on as a kid solidified it.

Regardless, it’s great having a partner where I don’t have to pretend to react to things to seem normal. That gets very tiring.