Did you hear? Waffle House is introducing child fighting pits so the kids have something to do while the ‘rents duke it out.
Trynabe Funny
WPITW
Other than Hitler, the worst person in the world is probably a vegan recumbent-bicycle-riding anti-Zionist anti-vaxxer with tattoos.
I’d be worth nuking an entire city to get rid of this person.
Veg In
Just opened this brand new vegan butter and it’s already molded.
At least that would improve the taste immensely.
60 Really Big Ones
Dude, I just bought Jupiter! It was a bargain at 60 octillion dollars. Now to decide where to put it.
Eeyore Rain
I was trying to make a friend laugh so I said to her, “You moistened my donkey with your non-utilitarian bumbershoots.”
It worked!
Ratus
What’s the most effective way you’ve handled employees resisting a new IT policy?
Strapped a cage with starved rats around a few of the resisters’ heads in the middle of the office.
This cut down on resistance significantly. The screams reduced productivity for a little while, but what can you do.
Uncle Scam
Uncle scammed out of 1.5 million!
That’s terrible! What’s his name, email address, telephone number and some crucial facts about him?
So I can help him out, of course. Yeah, that’s it. Help him.
Brows
Crime can be quite involving and distracting, I agree. It takes a lot of planning and initiative to pull off a worthwhile heist.
Ohhhhh…you meant crime TV shows. Carry on, then.
Zucked Up
It would have been cooler if he’d used CRISPR to create a seven-foot-tall version of his wife and called that one Big Wife.
Now that would have had flair, pizzazz, some originality. Billionaires are so unimaginative.
Diminuendo
Gray Sabbath
Bus Halen
Boron Zeppelin
The Went-Wents
The Mashing Pumpkins
Blue Öyster Homeowners Association
Unsoundgarden
Joy Addition
Earth Wind & Smoke
Mildly Spicy Bell Peppers
OKTramp
Coldwork
Depeche à la Mode
Guns N’ Periwinkles
Easy and Pat
How do some girls manage to smell amazing all the time?
Easy: they’re robots.
ID Me
My gender identity is “Massively Amazing Galactic Overlord Who Inspires Wild-Eyed Awe and Causes People, Animals and Liam Neeson to Lose Their Fucking Minds and Burst Out With Ecstatic Breakdancing, Hell Yeah!”
I’m the only one of my gender. Of course.
Breakdealer
What’s an instant dealbreaker for you in first dates?
Tries to turn me into a human sacrifice.
Really sours the mood.
Pew Pew
The space lasering will continue until the clownishness decreases.