I do wish I had an Ivy League degree. Not for the prestige, or for the money, but so that I could do any old stupid shit and people would laud me and say how brilliant and original I was.

Paint myself yellow and run down the road naked? Art. A social statement. Instead of me just being “Florida man.”

Write the most garbage, hackneyed, slapdash piece in human history? Get it published in The New Yorker. I’m not bitter, but I am envious. I’d like life on easy mode. I’d like people to fall prostrate at my feet for the most vacuous, sophomoric statements and actions. And more importantly, give me money for same.

Wouldn’t that be nice?