today i was lookin at a girl because she had a piece of lettuce in her hair and she looks at me and said "i have a boyfriend.” ok lettuce head

— luis (@ShineMyGold) October 11, 2018

This sort of thing has happened to me numerous times (though not usually with lettuce). My stock responses are, “Me too!” or “Oh yeah, is he hot?” It really knocks down people’s presumptions and annoys them, which I am fine with. (Yes, I understand why women do this. It’s still annoying as all hell.)

The funniest similar incident was when I was at a boardwalk in Florida attempting to look at a bird. A woman was in front of me, leaning over. I didn’t even see her, because who cares when there is wildlife to observe? But then I realized she was absolutely glaring at me with pure unrestrained hatred. I realized that she thought I was looking down her shirt, which I was not — as I said, I didn’t even see her. I said, “I really don’t care about your breasts. I’m trying to see the bird behind you.” She gave me an even harsher glare (some women seem both offended if you gaze at them and if you do not, which I never understand) and huffed away.

Ok, then.