What is the most extreme thing you’ve ever done to get a woman’s attention?

Blew up an entire planet with a thriving civilization on it.

(I’m Darth Vader.)

MIL fed my houseplants blood.

Bad move. Once a plant gets a taste for blood they start hunting. And once that happens, you wake up in the middle of night with some Pothos tendrils around your neck. Then it’s over.

Very dangerous thing to do.

‘Appreciate winter for what it is, without wishing it were something different’: psychologist Kari Leibowitz on beating the seasonal blues.

Screw that. Let’s destroy winter! Winter deserves to be eliminated for its long, evil reign.

Anyway, winter sucks. We should change its name to “Painful Hell Season of Despair and Misery.”

Yo’ mama so dumb, when the cashier at Walmart asked her why she had tomatoes and corn taped to her shirt, she said “It’s my crop top.”

Yo’ mama so piggish, she thinks Sisyphus is rolling a meatball up the hill.

Yo’ mama so fat, Elon Musk calls her Falcon Heaviest.

Should I feel embarrassed about being a garbage man?

Many women have called me a garbage man and I am not embarrassed…so no. 😉

What are some signs you’re about to be laid off?

The top ten signs you’re about to be laid off (Dave Letterman style):

10) Your manager refers to you as “My new yacht payment” during a meeting.

9) Your chair is replaced with a five gallon bucket and your desk is now damp cardboard.

8) When you attempt to badge in, the badge reader makes the “womp womp” sound.

7) You manager adds you to a Slack channel called #FutureHomeless.

6) Your desk becomes a Mad Max scene of office supplies theft and looting.

5) Mandatory brain download into an AI that has taken your name and face.

4) Your company car is replaced with a Big Wheel.

3) When you go to the company all-hands conference, the HR table shoots spitballs at you.

2) Karen body checks you in front of the coffee maker and says, “You won’t be needing that anymore.”

And now, the number one sign that you’re about to be laid off:

1) Just like your parents did, the office and everyone in it moves without telling you the new address.

Thank you, ladies and gentleman. Now for our first guest.

They said you could not open an infinite number of tabs.

They were wrong.

Brother, there is no such thing.

I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

What is your ideal vacation spot and why?

Ganymede. Radiation from Jupiter won’t kill me on the far side and I can still see shit. Also, no one is there.

How do you retrieve IT devices from leavers?

Send a hulking guy named “Vinny” around with an aluminum baseball bat. He asks, “Heyo, do you prefer not giving your laptop back or having working kneecaps?”

We get nearly all of them back! 😉

What is a man’s worst nightmare?

That it becomes mandatory to put pineapple on pizza. The horror, the horror….

Jon Bon Jovi praised for helping distressed woman off edge of Nashville bridge.

She was on the Edge of a Broken Heart and wanted to go out in a Blaze of Glory but now she’s Livin’ on a Prayer. It was clear she was on the “alive” side of Wanted Dead or Alive. I hope Jon said, “Have a Nice Day” as he was leaving.