Yesterday, I summoned a demon. I needed it to do my bidding.
It heard my request and then said, “This meeting could’ve been an email” and poofed away back to the nether world.
Well damn.
Trynabe Funny
Sure Secure
Does your Security team just dump vulnerabilities on you to fix asap?
They sure do. I hate that fucker! Always being such a hardass. Never just letting things slide, always hassling me about issues and vulnerabilities.
Oh wait…that fucker is me. I am the security team. I am not exaggerating, by the way.
La sécurité, c’est moi.
Meant Pay
Hey, Qatar, I’ll accept a free 747 if you want to give me one. I’ll fix your computers and such.
It’s not bribery if it’s payment, right?
Skyn In the Game
is making noises while kissing weird?
Not at all. Most people sing “Freebird” while kissing. Some change it up by humming the theme song from Friends.
It’s really up to you.
Mine Field
When I become galactic overlord, anyone with tattoos has ipso facto exercised demonstrated poor judgment and thus is working the fields and the mines. And if lucky, might have some role in spacecraft testing.
Drawering It Up
I don’t need a crisper drawer in my fridge, I need a CRISPR drawer.
That’d be much better.
No Muss No Fuss
If I had a robot girlfriend, I’d simply treat her with the respect and consideration any conscious being deserves.
Except when it comes time to assassinate my enemies. Then she better get her big girl robot pants on and attend to business.
Not Very Content
Why do people give a content warning when food is not vegetarian?
I need a content warning when food is vegetarian. I ain’t want that shit.
Glop
Ain’t no accident like a teleportation accident.
Tatty Ratty
It’d almost be worth a depression if people couldn’t afford hideous tattoos anymore.
I kid, I kid….kind of?
Judge Bent
Do you judge people based on the car they drive?
No. But if they have a recumbent bicycle, I can guarantee they are slimy subhumans who subsist on a diet of donkey butts and octopus eyeballs. They abuse kittens and travel to faraway destinations for the explicit purpose of starving orphans.
They all somehow assassinated JFK and canceled Firefly. They are the ones who abscond with a single sock from the dryer, so you end up with no match.
The recumbent bicycle losers sneak in in the middle of the night and put mold on your bread and dust on your knickknacks.
There is no greater force of evil than recumbent bicycle riders. None.
Cat’s Meow
What Cat Name Should Northrop Grumman Give Its Fighter If It Wins The Navy’s F/A-XX Competition?
The F/A-XX Grumpy Cat.
It’s a winner.
Internal
After they hand-wash my car with a toothbrush, I point them at more advanced tasks like organizing the office supplies by color, size and country of origin. Then when that’s done, I make them put on a jester costume and cavort. If there is not enough cavorting, a taser can solve that most of the time.
Following their generous three minute lunch, I have them really dig into some work by doing some important gardening at my house. They must rent all the tools from me, of course. It’s only fair.
After that, I list them as dependents on my taxes and open some credit cards in their names.
And that’s a good start in the American economy for any intern.
Opt
11 relaxing ways to live like a White Lotus character in L.A. — sans the snakes and murder.
Well then no thank you. The snakes and murder are not optional.
Laydown Clown
If Putin could somehow only nuke people who ride recumbent bicycles, that’d be alright. Launch the SS-27s and RS-26s! Get those big dogs in the air!